Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

We all have our pet causes.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.