Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.