Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls