I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager