I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Just organising my finances.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.