I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”