Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

This cat wants you to take your pills

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

CRYING

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.