@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

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@Parkerlawyer

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@FunnyMojoJojo

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

@IjeomaOluo

FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@Vodkantots

“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever

@NicestHippo

I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”