I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”
-no girl, ever
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”