Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
When he asks for feet pics
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.