Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?
TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I hate that “You know what to do” voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
You Might Also Like
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.