@claudiaa_haleyy

I hate that “You know what to do” voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.

You Might Also Like

@TrondyNewman

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

@MorticiaKate

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@TheAlexP

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

@DrCat_MD

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

@realHamOnWry

I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.