Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.