Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”