i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You Might Also Like
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I want what they have
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.