I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands