Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.