Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist