Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.