I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.