i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
You Might Also Like
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
You learn something every day
🤣😂🤣😂
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers