i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
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Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*