Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!