Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.