Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.