I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
🙅🏻
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
