Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.