Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

There’s no “u” in narcissist

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

british sex workers really pound for pound

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god