I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
me to God
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN