Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

In space, no one can hear…

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.