Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.