Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Why is no one talking about this?!

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!