I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Follow me for more fitness tips.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
that would 100% work on me
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.