Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.