I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.