Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

I already tried new things thanks.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.