I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.