I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
reviewed some movies recently
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files