I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You Might Also Like
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
