I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.