I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.