I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise