Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

👻

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Is this a threat?

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what