Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?