Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Stop

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Looking at you, Jesus.