I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
You Might Also Like
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
All set.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.