I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.