Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture