Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Cinematography is my passion

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.