I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The biggest mystery of our time
the noise i just made
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin