I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.