Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient