I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together