Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.