Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Oh no

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh