I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.