I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Ok cat haters, explain this…
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”