I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
They’re called werewolves.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Life is a suicide mission.
🤷♀️
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.