Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.