I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.