I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
This classic never gets old . . .
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
i’m still crying at this
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets