I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
SONOFA
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.