I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
the world’s most popular steaming services
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: