Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Always the camel, never the toe.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.