Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

i would wish you the best but i am the best

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

motivation