I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”