I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
that would 100% work on me
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Good advice.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.