I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up