I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.