I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.