I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
i really liked this one
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.