I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.