Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.