I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You Might Also Like
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?