I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Love is in the air fryer.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.