I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?