911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.